My Final Words to the Lead Singer of A-Ha Before Murdering Him with a Pipe Wrench

Do you know why I’m telling you this, Morten?  Because I care.  Because I need to tell SOMEONE and frankly, you’re my only friend.  Possibly the only person I really know.  Possibly the only other person that really exists in this place.  Seriously, look around; it’s just you, and me, and wherever you hid your band but I promise I’m killing them if they pop up in any goddamned magic window things too.

No, I don’t think this seems a bit extreme.  Have you actually taken a moment to reflect on the bleakness of our existence?  Have you given any thought about the future, Morten?  Because I have.

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I Got Drunk With a Time-Traveling Pirate on Valentine’s Day

Originally published in 2012; reprinted due to popular demand, in honor of Valentine’s Day, and because I’m lazy.

“No! You never fucking get them!” the Pirate screamed, almost throwing the empty whiskey glass directly at the bartender. He held back, as if some unseen force softly touched his arm and coaxed him to lower it.

The force in question, he would later explain, was actually just a moment of clarity, having dealt with the frustration of reaching this point with the bartender no less than seven times in the last hour. At exactly 11:34 he would reach the point of the argument with the bartender, scream and hurl his glass at the bartender’s face, break the glass and two of the bartender’s teeth and immediately be kicked out of the bar, where he would then activate his personal chrono-manipulator and go back ten minutes to when he was in the bathroom, merge with the version of himself sitting on the toilet and try again.

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Regarding the Use of Jimmy Buffett’s “Margaritaville” as the Hypnotic Trigger for Our Sleeper Assassins

Internal Company–Wide Memo

To: All Agents, Confederates and Associated Operatives of GRIFFON – the Global Reconnaissance and Intelligence Foundation For One Neodemocracy

Re: The Use of Jimmy Buffet’s “Margaritaville” as the Hypnotic Trigger for Our Sleeper Assassins

Effective immediately, all representatives are to cease the use of the song “Margaritaville” by Jimmy Buffett as a means of triggering hypnotic suggestion in placed targets to compel them to commit pre-programmed acts of assassination, sabotage, arson or any other activity.  This policy change comes direct from the High Overlord.  All hail the High Overlord.

As you know, GRIFFON has taken great effort to maintain its reputation as the casual and employee-friendly member of a broad family of global domination conspiracies.  Placing boundaries on the creative talent of our most valuable resource—you—is not a step we take lightly. However, these policies are done with the whole of the company in mind as well as the recognition that the decisions of the High Overlord, all hail him, are both infallible and required under penalty of the death of everyone you love or have ever loved.

Above all else, GRIFFON is committed to quality in its black bag operations and to maintain that commitment, an occasional review of employee performance is necessary.  In our most recent company-wide assessment, a wide range of performance-hindering issues were uncovered, all of which center around a single issue: the use of the song “Margaritaville” by Jimmy Buffett.

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