The Concessions of Father Augustine

Author’s Note: essays like this are a result of the creative energy fostered by the amazing Atlanta performing arts community, none more relevant to my life than the talent of Dad’s Garage Theatre Company.  Homeless for over a year thanks to the scourge of commercial construction progress, Dad’s has recently found a potential new home in a vacant church in Atlanta.  Now all it needs is a bunch of money to buy it.  Please donate to the Dad’s Garage Kickstarter today.

What’s that you’ve got there?  Oh, right.  One of those.  An online minister certificate.  Yeah, I’ve seen them before.  A bunch of you have one of ’em.  It’s trendy.  It’s fun!  You can perform weddings and stuff like that.

But you know what else it is?  It’s lame.  Okay, I get it; I’ve been hearing it for years now.  You’re technically a priest.  Congrats.

Well guess what.  I can top that.  In fact, I have topped that.  So to all of you cool kids who think you’re so hip with your Universal Life Churches and your mail-order official licenses, I’ve got you beat.  My paperwork came in this morning, and as of today, I am officially a Trappist monastery.

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The Sh*tshank Rejection

Oh, what a great opening question. Clearly by the banker’s box filled with all the personal items from my desk sitting here next to me, I’m doing just great.

Oh, I am? Really. Well, that’s interesting.

M-hmm. “Noticeable decrease in productivity.” Well, can’t argue with that I guess.

Oh? Do I have any questions? Actually, yes, Jim. Can I call you Jim? I’mma call you Jim.

Jimbo, have you ever watched The Shawshank Redemption?

Great movie. You know that awesome scene at the end where Morgan Freeman is facing the parole board and just gets all profound and intense with them? Good. That’s good. In that case, we can move on to why productivity is down.

It’s this, Jim. This roll of toilet paper. Right here.

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