1,000 A.D. The Viking Norsemen that would beget the bulk of my Scandinavian heritage establish a patrilineal system of naming, in which everyone’s kid is named after their dad. North America is discovered by Leif Erickson, son of Eric Thorvaldsson, son of some guy named Thorvald, known only to history for committing murder and, being literally one of the world’s first white people, punished by being politely asked to leave Norway.
Enduring several harsh winters in a desolate region short of food, lumber or resources, Erickson would handle the crisis by calling the area “Greenland” in order to trick people to move there, thus securing his place as the first asshole in recorded history.