My god, I just… ladies and gentlemen, looking over this carnage is just amazing. In all my years as a reporter, I wouldn’t have believed it if I didn’t see it for myself. It’s been roughly two, three hours since the monster’s last appearance and this country, and perhaps the world, is still reeling from it. The way I’ve heard it, it’s like something out of an children’s science fiction book—this enormous monster, rampaging through a city, leaving nothing but destruction in its wake.
This reporter has not seen the monster himself. And yet, reading reports from Twitter, and Facebook, and other social media, it’s all the same. Viewers across the world are sharing their own witness accounts of this.
Our proud nation is standing strong. This incredible invader to American shores has not yet conquered us, but vigilant we remain. Still, questions abound. Where did it come from? What does it want? Why has it done what it did? None of these questions we have answers for yet, America. We only know this creature has a name: John Oliver.
As I said, it’s been mere hours since John Oliver’s last appearance and already the reports have indicated another massive amount of damage. A report on Facebook indicates that the monster is prone to “blasting” things: people, retail companies, and even entire city governments. We’re not yet aware of the nature of this destruction, but the monster appears to assault its enemies with some form of vocal-based attack.
We still have no accurate information on the size of the creature. But he must be enormous. Large and powerful enough to destroy entire buildings. A citizen on Twitter going only by the name Bernie4Ever420 claims he just saw the John Oliver monster “crush” an entire Catholic Church.
I have another report here that the John Oliver monster has just, and I quote, “totally eviscerated” several prominent political officials. I can only imagine a monstrosity, several stories tall, with razor pincers or perhaps diamond-strong mandibles. Regardless, this is heartbreaking. Our prayers go out to their families.
Still trying to get some information on this crushed church. I’ve also been told I won’t believe what happens next, but, I hear, whatever this John Oliver does next, it will amaze me. Folks, at this point nothing could shock me, but I’m willing to believe anything.
In fact, this just in, I’m receiving another email forward about the John Oliver monster. Subject: “forward, forward, forward, forward, forward…” the title appears to run out, bear with me here.
My… god, listeners. I don’t even know how to tell you this. According to this email, it appears that—forgive me, this is hard to handle—it appears the John Oliver monster has “utterly destroyed” North Carolina. My god. All those people. Cut down instantly by what is said to be a “scathing assault.” Merciful heavens, it can breathe fire.
I’m trying to get confirmation on this but the reports seem to be solid. One report confirms in the strongest terms possible: “John Oliver has literally destroyed the North Carolina government with a literal scathing attack that has literally left them defeated and literally, literally wrecked.”
Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know what is motivating or directing this creature, and far be it from me to abdicate my responsibility as a newsman to instill fear or panic in the populace, but it is becoming clear that no one is safe from its four beady eyes. Even now, a reddit thread has suggested the monster may be heading to Alabama to rip it apart. Oh, no. The monster’s approaching the South with those terrible, terrible mandibles!
He could appear at any minute! We are powerless to stop it! Run, citizens! Run before—no! Noooooo!
This is the end, folks. I have literally died, and cannot even.
Hellgate: London image © Flagship Studios, LLC