Oh, what a great opening question. Clearly by the banker’s box filled with all the personal items from my desk sitting here next to me, I’m doing just great.

Oh, I am? Really. Well, that’s interesting.

M-hmm. “Noticeable decrease in productivity.” Well, can’t argue with that I guess.

Oh? Do I have any questions? Actually, yes, Jim. Can I call you Jim? I’mma call you Jim.

Jimbo, have you ever watched The Shawshank Redemption?

Great movie. You know that awesome scene at the end where Morgan Freeman is facing the parole board and just gets all profound and intense with them? Good. That’s good. In that case, we can move on to why productivity is down.

It’s this, Jim. This roll of toilet paper. Right here.

Jim, this is the best toilet paper I’ve ever used in my life. I have no idea where you got it. I mean, seriously, I checked. They don’t even sell this at the grocery store. Is this designer toilet paper? Why are you using this in an employee bathroom in a giant office building?

Is there like, a Yelp for temp jobs? Because that would be my review: “horrible working conditions, substandard pay, boss is an incompetent cocknugget, but my god you could just spend hours in that bathroom.”

Jim, I have been spending hours in that bathroom. Christ, I look forward to it in the morning now. There were mornings where I honestly just wondered what it would be like if my car just, drifted listlessly off the side of the overpass to spare me the nightmare of another day in the cubicle and then no. No, I thought. SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION. I won’t get busy dying when I can get busy… pooping. Okay, that wasn’t poetic at all but the point is I need that bathroom now like a man needs a cup of coffee in the morning.

And on that note, let’s address the second accomplice here. Have you had this coffee? This coffee is terrible, Jimmy. I might be willing to go as far as to say this is the most sickening coffee I’ve ever had. And I’ve flown on United. This watery garbage is an assault on our colons, Jimmy. You serve it to an entire floor of account managers. If I served at an NA meeting, three men would go back on painkillers. Men with families.

I’ve become… institutionalized. See…. those stalls are kind of funny. First you hate ‘em, then you get used to them. Enough time passes, gets so you depend on ‘em. I’m doing Shawshank again but IT’S RELEVANT. You have enabled this. You filled us with terrible coffee that gave us RAGING BOWELS, and made us dependent on this…. sanitary perfection.

Now, obviously “raging bowels” is not the correct medical terminology here. The legal definition of the issue is all here in this OSHA report.

Yes. OSHA report. And possibly a filing under the Americans With Disabilities Act. Jim, I want to be clear here. It is mine, my doctor’s, and my lawyer’s belief that if I am fired from this company, I might never be able to poop again. I don’t think I can go back.

So Jim–you can’t fire me. I have a CONDITION.

Which brings me back, once again, to The Shawshank Redemption–also a movie about a hero with a sewage-centric exit strategy.

Jim, this is my badass parole board speech. I am the Morgan Freeman of diarrhea.

Fire me? You can’t fire me. I’m the only honest man in Accounts Receivable. So you go on and stamp your form, Jimmy, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I have to take a shit.