Well, well, looks like it happened. It finally happened. A good old-fashioned zombie apocalypse. And you all laughed at me. All of you, didn’t ya? Y’all thought ol’ Jimmy was a crazy old coot prepping his doomsday contingencies. Well look who’s laughing now! It’s me!
Oh, I’d love to be laughing right back at you. Chuckling with glee as I watch you suffer from the hordes of flesh-craving nightmares come a-livin’ but now ain’t the time for being smug, is it? No, we got to rally together to protect humanity! But you city folk are all lucky. Lucky you got ol’ Jimmy with ya. Cause I’ve been planning. I’ve been working and studying and getting this here city ready for the zombies. And now they’re here, we gonna hole ourselves up real good against ’em. See, I’ve brought you here because this is where we can survive. This is the single safest spot in the entire city of Atlanta. The rest of the city is gonna die out there. Hell, maybe the rest of the country. Maybe the world. But I knew we could come here for protection. We’ll have everything we need. Resources. Sustenance. And an impenetrable defense infrastructure. Them walkers may have taken the outside, but humanity is going to survive. We will hold out. We will make our stand. Right now, right here, at Ponce City Market.
Our first line of defense will be the elevation and construction of this facility. Any zombies attempting to reach us will have to navigate three stories of reinforced concrete pillars and entrance tunnels where they will then spend twenty minutes complaining about having to pay for parking.
My second in command Randy over there is handling logistics. Looking good over there, Randy! See, way we figure it, we gotta trick the zombies into attacking us any time after 5:00 PM on a weekday, thus allowing us to have most of the first wave blocked by people with bicycles and unleashed dogs.
How we doing on provisions, Randy? Well, that’s fantastic. This one bar makes five different flavors of artisanal beef jerky. See, this is what I’m talking about; I TOLD you there were right-minded folks in this city who were preparing for the apocalypse too. I mean it’s not like people would seek out dehydrated meat on their own volition and if they did I want them out of here ’cause this ain’t no survival compound for dumbasses.
Let me tell you about the specialists we got prepping for us here. I tried to get in some Blackwater folks but this is even better. We got us a mercenary contractor goes by the name William Sonoma. Now, I thought I knew how to prep for doomsday but Jesus Christ, folks, you gotta check out what this ‘sonbitch got going on in the basement down here. If you can put a thing in a mason jar, then he’s already have a god damned shelf of it. And that don’t even get into the hardware he’s got here. I swear to god I’ve seen equipment I can’t even imagine a rational human being would ever need to use. But I guess it ain’t rational times anymore. Randy, go find this Billy so I can shake his hand.
What’s that, Randy? Oh for- one of the zombies done BIT you? Jesus, Randy, you know what that means, don’t you? Wha- NO, you goddamned moron, it don’t mean we’re gonna have to kill you, it means you gotta wash out the damn bite with this apricot-mango exfoliating scrub from Anthropologie. A simple regimen of personal skin rejuvenation is the best defense against the zombie virus, Randy, and as I have already said, you would known that if you bothered to attend any of the evening DIY workshops offered regularly at the kiosk by the Lululemon outlet.
We got a hat shop making all our headgear. We got a coat shop making all our leatherwork armor, and a denim worker to fix up our pants. We got this one shop that appears to make custom wicker doormats. I’ll be honest, them folks is gonna die first. But someone’s gotta make the sacrifice to thin out the herd so we’ll chalk that one up to acceptable losses. They may die, but the thinkers and planners and coffee roasters will live on. My god, this is good coffee.
Now I know you’re scared, but if you made it this far, you’ve already survived the chemtrails outside, the labyrinth of the parking deck, and the nightmare that is those Red Cross people by the side entrance. It’s up to us now. We will occupy and hold this space until the zombies give up and realize that they cannot destroy our way of life and freedom. And I know, because I have tried this in Oregon twice.
Randy, I need more coffee! Head over to West Elm and get me another dang ‘ol French Press!