Hello? Yes, okay, hi. I’d like to talk to the Government, please. Yeah, sure I’ll hold.The government can fix this, right?

Hi. Is this The Government?

Okay! Awesome. Yeah I’ve been trying to reach you guys. I was watching the news and I heard that you might be able to help me. What’s that? No, you were just in the phone book. I know, right? Yeah, first number I called. Guess I’m lucky.

Anyway, I need to report some possible terrorism. Yes. Uh-huh. Yes. Well, I’m not sure, entirely. That’s why I said “possible.” Of course, I have tons of evidence, but the problem it it’s all in my phone. Yes, that’s right. Well, I saw on the news that you guys are trying to like, get into a guy’s iPhone because you thought a terrorist has some stuff in there? So it’s like that. Yes. I think there might be some terrorism in my iPhone.

Well I can’t really explain it, that’s the problem. Funny story. See, I dropped it yesterday and cracked the screen which I guess I could live with, but now the battery’s also doing this thing where it goes from 65 percent to below 10 immediately and shuts off randomly and I didn’t want to rule out terrorism. So I was thinking while you’re in there you’ll just fix the thing, I mean it’s gotta be working to get that possible terrorism off it, right?

So can you send a guy over to fix that, or is there an office nearby I can swing by?

Well, I know it SOUNDS like I just need to get it repaired but the Genius Bar wants like 150 bucks to fix this thing. It’s not under warranty anymore. And there’s no appointments until Thursday. No, I don’t know for SURE if there’s terrorist stuff in my phone. I know I love America, that’s why I’m asking you to fix it. Do the terrorist check. Look, dammit, hack my phone.

Oh, oh. Oh, yes. Yes, I am ACUTELY AWARE at the moment that it is “not the government’s job to fix things.” Am I RIGHT, people? What? No, no one. It’s just me here.

You know, I’m assuming that you guys would just WANT to fix it for me. I feel like I’m being a MODEL CITIZEN for calling you guys. I am actively aware of the threat of terrorism on my phone, and I am trying to be pro-active about—what? I don’t know. Phone terrorism. What’s it… whaddaya… CYBER TERRORISM. That’s it. There could be cyber terrorists on my phone. Yes. Sure I know how that works. Yes. NCIS. All thirteen seasons, yes. Well, Abby, DUH.

Look, I think we’re getting off track here. We cannot be too careful in this day and age. I have to say this is really disappointing to hear that you’re not interested in helping me here. In theory, I pay my taxes and vote. All I’m saying here is, I’m VERY concerned about protecting our country. And as an upstanding citizen, I am WILLING to let you look at my phone, or ideally offer a free replacement of a current or newer model, in order to access it and fix the screen and maybe see if it’s got terrorism on it.

I can bring it in Wednesday?

Baller! Okay, one other thing: do you sell cases?