Pit of Despair

Stone heads make real tears.Yes? Hello?

Hello? Who is this?


Is someone there? It’s four in the morning!

What? Look you have the wrong number. Are you try to reach-

Okay, is this a prank call? Is that your real voice? It’s so deep and echo-y. Look, if this is someone from the office, can you knock it off and let me get back to-

Okay, wait, I know this voice from somewhere. It’s too distinctive. I’ve heard it before. Where have I-


Is… is this Olmec? From Legends of the Hidden Temple?

Oh my god! Olmec! It’s Billy! I KNEW I recognized that voice! I mean how could you forget it but I mean… hey man! What’s it been, like twenty years? Yeah I know, since…

…Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Look, I mean I dunno what to say, man. It was pretty messed up but I guess there’s not much to talk about it now-

Oh, I mean I’ve been doing okay. Can’t complain. How are things with-

Yeah, well, times are tough for everyone, man. Okay, look, you’re a giant head made out of stone that tells anachronistic stories loosely based on historical objects. There isn’t a real market for that skill set. Plus, even if Nickelodeon made another game show, it seems like after the 90’s they started going with ideas that didn’t, oh I don’t know, terrorize children.

No, I don’t think I’m being unfairly harsh, Olmec! Do you know to this day I can’t go to a bathroom I’ve never used before without kicking the stall door in first to make sure a grown-ass adult isn’t hiding behind it dressed as a Mayan warrior trying to kidnap me?

What’s that? Do I think YOU “terrorize children?”

Oh, for Christ’s sake, Olmec. I’m not having this conversation. Not at four in the morning. No, Olmec, I don’t want to hear “The Tale of the Totally Unfair Restraining Order.” Are you drunk? What the hell is going on, because if you’re calling me at four in the morning to complain about why they caught you with both of the Green Monkeys in your trailer twenty years ago I cannot really help you. I was on your side back then, okay? Mostly because, look, how could you have done anything- YOU DON’T HAVE LIMBS.

What’s going on here, man? What is this really about? Were you trying to call me, or is there something else you need to tell me?

Olmec, were you trying to call the Suicide Hotline?

Ahhh, man. Geez, Olmec, you have to pull yourself together here. The important thing here is, you called me, okay? And I realize how hard that must have been for you to do. Like, actually, physically hard given you don’t have hands. But we can get through this, okay man? You have to take a look at the decisions you made in life and how you can move forward. The choice is yours and yours alone. You know who told me that once, Olmec?

You did, buddy. You did.

Look, I have a friend who’s a good therapist. I think you should talk to her. Let me just get her card, okay?

Okay, Olmec? I am really sleep deprived right now, and her card’s in a desk by my bathroom door. So if you don’t hear from me in like, thirty seconds, it’s because I stabbed my roommate.