Oh hi. I didn’t notice you there. I was just distracted by a complete stranger having the wrong opinions on the internet.

You know, as a straight, white, financially stable Christian male, arguing online can encompass a significant portion of my day. And if you’re anything like me, let me tell you—congratulations on being a white dude. Turns out it’s awesome. But also if you’re like me, you’ve wondered to yourself “my god, how can I keep up with internet trends? There are so many people I have to pointlessly troll in defense of all my rights I think they, personally, are trying to take away. There’s got to be a better way!”

Well, I’m happy (and by that I mean as happy as a person culturally and societally dispositioned to be in a constant state of outrage can be) to say there now is.

We’re proud to introduce RageDex, now in beta. RageDex will take all the hassle and complication out of online dickery by providing you real time updates on what’s upsetting people on the internet, so you can tell them to get over it.

As you can see with our latest stat-graph readout, rainbow-colored Facebook avatars are currently making huge gains. Now’s the time to cash in on that capital and start complaining about how annoying you find them non-stop.

But clearly the massive happiness being expressed by millions of people is a peak stock that while offering blue chip stability may not yield the best gains. RageDex will help you invest your trolling time wisely. For example, that red line there graphs the rising media buzz for new independent video games. With RageDex, you’ll get an instant alert anytime one of those games stars, was made by, or even potentially will be played by a woman.

RageDex can be programmed regionally. Confederate flags. The Ten Commandments on courthouse steps. A local celebrity speaking their mind about a minority group in a manner that would have been shocking in the 50’s. Depriving gay people of pizza. No matter where you are, you can take the initiative on informing everyone that whatever someone said is totally their freedom of speech, giving you the extra time to actually research what the issue is later.

And with real-time updating, RageDex works throughout the day. Now you can be the first to complain that friends are talking about popular television shows they actually watched during their air times. Spoiler alert: time should wait for you, and now it works for you!

Speaking of television, RageDex also offers custom individualized value monitoring. Anyone can tell complete strangers online that their favorite show sucks, but with our innovative software you can isolate your ambivalence to each individual character on Game of Thrones so you can be the first to insist that whatever was just brutally done to them was essential to the plot.

RageDex’s dashboard can be customized for your personality, featuring themes of whatever barely-culturally-relevant piece of media you’ve chosen as a hill to die on. Options include sacrilegious editorial cartoons, your favorite racially offensive cartoon characters from the 1930’s, pretty much any show aired on TLC in the last six years, and Iggy Azalea.

As a straight, white, financially stable Christian male, your freedom is threatened every day. Thankfully, RageDex is here to help maximize your potential in staving off the encroaching threat of people who disagree with you. Remember, with everything you’re dealing with, you need help more than anyone.

RageDex: for the man who has everything, and can’t stop bitching about it.