Internal Company–Wide Memo
To: All Agents, Confederates and Associated Operatives of GRIFFON – the Global Reconnaissance and Intelligence Foundation For One Neodemocracy
Re: The Use of Jimmy Buffet’s “Margaritaville” as the Hypnotic Trigger for Our Sleeper Assassins
Effective immediately, all representatives are to cease the use of the song “Margaritaville” by Jimmy Buffett as a means of triggering hypnotic suggestion in placed targets to compel them to commit pre-programmed acts of assassination, sabotage, arson or any other activity. This policy change comes direct from the High Overlord. All hail the High Overlord.
As you know, GRIFFON has taken great effort to maintain its reputation as the casual and employee-friendly member of a broad family of global domination conspiracies. Placing boundaries on the creative talent of our most valuable resource—you—is not a step we take lightly. However, these policies are done with the whole of the company in mind as well as the recognition that the decisions of the High Overlord, all hail him, are both infallible and required under penalty of the death of everyone you love or have ever loved.
Above all else, GRIFFON is committed to quality in its black bag operations and to maintain that commitment, an occasional review of employee performance is necessary. In our most recent company-wide assessment, a wide range of performance-hindering issues were uncovered, all of which center around a single issue: the use of the song “Margaritaville” by Jimmy Buffett.
This may be a surprise to you but it was just as much of one to the unwavering vigilance of the High Overlord who I should remind you to hail at all times. The following incidents are only a sample of how this has affected overall achievement ratios.
Incident One: The Pope. Quality Control is admittedly surprised that a company focused on covert information-gathering failed to assess the popularity level of the song “Margaritaville” in Vatican City. There is none. In fact, Agent Higgins reported that when trying to play the song on a stereo in earshot of a previously-brainwashed Swiss Guard to trigger his orders to blow up the Popemobile, the Guard instead promptly shushed Higgens and directed him to tourist services. Higgins reported that he was both foiled and embarrassed by a man in a very funny outfit. In other matters, discussion of the former agent known as Higgens is now strictly forbidden per orders from the High Overlord, all hail him.
Incident Two: Neutralizing top executives in Silicon Valley. This is somewhat of the inverse of the problems that arose from the aforementioned Vatican fiasco. Again, our research failed to accommodate the fact that seventy-nine-point-three percent of all California tech company executives absolutely love Jimmy Buffett to a degree that that an auditory response to one of his songs is already mentally implanted to lackluster results. Agent Corvall played the song in front of Randall Kotnick, CEO of the HyperNetDynamics Corporation, believing it would trigger a command to detonate a small explosive in his own board room. Instead, Mr. Kotnick waxed poetically about an acid trip from the late 70’s with an unnamed woman he referred to as “the last time he remembered being happy.” He then had Agent Corvall shot by security. Our condolences to the family of the late Agent Corvall. His final words were believed to be “All hail the High Overlord.”
Incident Three: Last month’s Jimmy Buffett concert. I need to be blunt here: “clusterfuck” does not do this one justice. We are still handling both the police and expense reports on this one, but the short version involves an opening number leading to a very surprised over-the-hill musician, the exchange of four hundred rounds of ammunition and at least seventeen deaths. Ironically, the silver lining here is that three of them were Silicon Valley executives we failed to catch in incident two, so kudos to Agent Cochrane for the turnaround on that. Agent Cochrane has been awarded GRIFFON’s Employee of the Month, earning him a paid vacation day, the safe return of his daughter and a $25 gift card to Caribou Coffee.
As of now, it is not yet ascertained why and how numerous GRIFFON operatives independently determined that the appropriate mechanism for activating sleeper cells would be the audio cue of “Margaritaville” by Jimmy Buffett. Rest assured we are getting to the bottom of this, but at the same time we want to assure all employees that we are not in the business of assigning blame outside of Agents Hernandez, Rathskeller and AssassinBot Q-14, all of whom have been summarily blamed and killed, or in Q-14’s case, disassembled and subjected to a memory reset.
In conclusion, take note of these incidents as GRIFFON enjoys the natural growing pains of a successful organization. Should you have any additional questions, please do not hesitate to reach out to us. We remind you that GRIFFON takes pride in its free flow of ideas and our “open door policy” at the top level, with, of course, the usual exception of Room 48-B. Do not ever try to enter Room 48-B, for the love of God.
Finally, all hail the High Overlord. You will now eat this memo.