Hi everyone.  Did you all have a good Christmas?  I had a great Christmas.  I spent a lot of time thinking about Jesus and I’d like to share what I’ve learned with all of you.

I was watching Mickey’s Christmas Carol.  I love Mickey’s Christmas Carol.  If you forgot it or haven’t seen it, it’s Mickey as Bob Cratchit and Uncle Scrooge McDuck as, well, you know… as Scrooge.  Pretty basic- Christmas Carol in the Donald Duck universe.

But here’s the thing- there’s a LOT of stuff that’s “Christmas set in the so and so universe.” And this is where I uncovered something that threatens our very moral fiber.

See, even if Christmas is just a cultural or family event to you—and that’s what it is to me—you still have to acknowledge that Christmas is related to, well, to Jesus.  And that’s where I have a serious issue-not a religious one, but an honest, logical crisis of theology.  Basically, Christmas specials are all your favorite cartoon characters suddenly knowing who Jesus is.  And this makes no sense whatsoever.

Let me give you an example: The He-Man Christmas Special.  Usually, there’s no Jesus in the show; just Eagle Goddesses and magic swords. So the writers had  a bunch of children from our universe magically transported to Eternia to help He-Man defeat Skeletor because they have a feeling of Christmas spirit.  He-Man saved Christmas because some children showed up to spread the gospel of Jesus.

It makes even less sense in The Smurfs Christmas Special.  I don’t understand how the Smurfs would know about the birth of Christ.  As far as I know the entire human population of the Smurfs consists of Gargamel, and while I don’t remember a Christmas tree in his little wizard hut, I do seem to remember how he always wants to sacrifice sentient beings as part of a Masonic metallurgical ritual.  The Smurfs themselves are already ruled in perpetuity by a guy with a beard and a red suit, and the most prominent use of wrapped gifts in the cartoon are when Jokey Smurf uses them as improvised explosive devices.  Smurfs should fucking hate Christmas.

The Flintstones Christmas Carol.  The Flintstones.  Christmas Carol.

Let me paint you a picture here.  A writer’s room, Los Angeles, 1993.

“Chip!” says the first writer. “The man up top called in. Teddy wants another Christmas special. Who can we use?”

“Well, Larry,” says the second writer, “have we done The Flintstones yet? The Muppet Christmas Carol did well.  Let’s just do that.”

“Fuckin’ A, Chip! Flintstones. Christmas Carol. Make up some rock puns, Fred’s an asshole learns a lesson, we’ll be out of here before- FUCK.”

“What’s up, Larry?”

“Chip. It’s the fuckin’ Flintstones.  They are fucking CAVEMEN.”

“Not following you.”

“They live in…. like… a thousand million B.C.  BEE. SEE.  You know what B.C. means?”

“Larry, I didn’t go to Catholic school or anything. What’s your point here?”

“They don’t celebrate Christmas, Chip.  They don’t have a Christmas. They don’t have a Christ. We’re back to square fuckin’ one. New page, we’re starting over and- are you even listening to me, Chip?”

“Sorry, couldn’t hear you, Larry, I was getting the phone over here so you could call up Ted Turner, and tell him that the Flintstones don’t believe in Jesus, and also how you forgot how you registered with the guild as Larry Redmond and not Larry Rabinowitz because it’s hard enough already to get work in this fucking city. What were you saying?”

“…. Flintstones Christmas Carol. Scene one.”

And then there’s Uncle Scrooge.

Mickey’s Christmas Carol.  I mean… come on. It’s what made Scrooge McDuck an actual Scrooge.  A perfect use of the classic Carl Barks character and the universe Scrooge lives in.

I’ll repeat that: the universe Scrooge lives in.

All the other specials I have mentioned tonight at least noted the existence of humans.  The Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse universe has none.  There are no humans.  There’s those messed-up humanoid dog people with the black olive noses but that is it.  But there is a Christmas.  The one true Christ, son of God, brought to flesh to die for the sins of the world, was born on this version of earth.

And logically, it’s a Duck Jesus.

Duck Jesus is the Christian lord and savior in the world of Mickey’s Christmas Carol. He has to be.  I don’t know the rest of the mythology here but there’s just a world of questions to open up.  Are all the stories of Duck Jesus the same, just… with ducks?  Was it less of a miracle when Duck Jesus walked on water?  What’s a Duck Jesus nativity scene look like?  Is there an egg there?  When they have communion in the church, do ducks… you know, do they take communion or does the priest just throw the bread into the pews and the duck parishioners all make a break for it?

And yes, there’s clearly churches where they pray to Duck Jesus.  On Christmas morning in Mickey’s Christmas Carol, there are church bells ringing.  That means there’s a church and that means all OVER that church is a bunch of crucifixes and it isn’t a human on them because that would make no sense.  It’s Duck Jesus.  And it has to be Duck Jesus up there on the cross because the other options don’t work: a crown of thorns wouldn’t fit over a mouse head and if Jesus was a Goofy then he’d make that high-pitched “wahoooooie” noise when they put the nails in.

The craziest part of all this is that I’m not religious! I could just be “that guy” and talk about how there’s a lack of logic to Christianity in general but instead I’m trying to throw the religious folks a bone here; usually they’re the folks who get pissed off when you avoid actually saying Christmas and if you just did that in the 80’s I wouldn’t be forcing you to think about ducks being crucified.  All I did was accept the religious argument and take it to its logical conclusion and now I’M the asshole.  I can literally feel one of my friends back home praying especially for me right now.  To Human Jesus.  Jesus Prime.

Oh my god.  Jesus Prime.  I wonder if there’s a Transformers Christmas special.

We are being sold a terrible lie, but there is hope.  This logical fallacy and mockery of a well-respected religion can be avoided.  In fact, it’s been done.  We know that cartoons and kid’s movies take place in different worlds.  We can accept they have different cultures and holidays.

And once, just once, I saw someone understand it.

I saw that when Chewbacca celebrated Life Day in The Star Wars Holiday Special.

I think that’s why George Lucas banned it. I think it’s a conspiracy.  It’s the one Christmas special from our adolescence that actually makes logical sense.  The media has twisted our minds on religion for decades with intellectual fallacies and they can’t stop the money train on this.

Fight this, people.  The next time you and your family are watching Ice Age: a Mammoth Christmas, and ignoring that in reality the only thing Manny the Mammoth should have to say regarding Christianity is that his skull is actually a trick planted by Satan, just look as your niece, or your parents, or any of your loved ones, and remind them, “unless this is the one where Bea Arthur sings to a Wookiee, we are making God cry.”

And with that, I wish you a Happy Life Day, and I’ll see most of you in Hell.