Drinks Are On Me

Hi, can I talk about this water jug? Kind of a big deal. See, this jug here is worth 344 dollars. At least.

The dead rat really adds to the texture.There’s this guy out in California, a health guru named Mukhande Singh. And he’s a founder of an amazing new industry out there called “raw water.”

I know, that’s what I thought too—turns out the water you’ve been drinking your whole life isn’t actually raw! I have been told that it’s full of chemicals, like disinfectants, and something called “fluoride.” Apparently, a lot of municipal water is even bombarded with ultraviolet light—which is a thing that sounds scary—with the claim that doing this “protects the water” from “growing algae” and “spreading brain parasites.”

Now for the first thing: algae? Here I was being told we’re supposed to have more plants in our diet. On top of that—algae is growing? That means life is teeming in natural, raw water. Filtering and chemically treating water means it’s dead. Who eats dead things?

I’ve already forgotten what the second thing was. Brain something.

According to Guru Singh, raw water is better for you because the natural elements aren’t stripped from it by a hundred and seventy-five years of proven infrastructural science. Instead, you just go find a well and enjoy.

That’s really the beauty of natural, untreated sustenance. Just think about how great it would be to avoid the profit-based system of the big water industry and how the entire world can sustain itself just by tapping into this abundant miracle directly in the ground below us, free for everyone. And then stop thinking like that, because this shit sells in Oregon for 67 dollars a gallon.

But let me tell you, it is worth it. See, I’ve been drinking it for a while now, trying to learn the ins and out of the business. Oh, yeah. There’s brands of raw water. It’s like wine. There are subtle differences. Variances from the aging process. Sediment levels. I’m gonna sell some of this soon so you can see what I’m talking about. This one here, it’s got an amazing mouth feel. Like an earthy—oh, whoops. That’s one of my teeth. Huh. That’s like three this week. Thought it was just the iron flavor.

Now I know what you’re thinking: aren’t minerals bad when they’re in water? Like how in Flint, Michigan, everyone’s been freaking out because all their water has lead and chromium and bacteria? Well, first: they’ve had all that in their drinking water for two entire years now. And I would think that if a bunch of elite tech CEOs in California could figure out what was wrong with their water in only a few months and find a perfectly suitable and profitable solution to that problem, surely that would mean if anything in Flint’s water was a problem they’d also have done something about it right now. I mean, really, that’s just cynical.

Second, this is a movement that’s spreading. We’ve already known about the dangers of fluoride—sorry, Christ, my mouth hurts—and finally people like Mukhande Singh are enlightening us about the need to remove ourselves from chemically-treated, mass-produced, easily-accessible, and affordable water. And I trust his insights on this completely, because he has an incredibly exotic name, which I assume is why he legally changed it to that from his birth name of Christopher Sanborn.

But that’s just what this is about—trust. We can’t trust our own water, and so we must start trusting in each other. I’m ready to earn your trust in promoting this amazing benefit to your health and well-being. And investing in this lucrative enterprise is trusting in America.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go have terrible diarrhea.