Pleasant Meadows Pet Crematorium Will Open On Thanksgiving 

Alright, everyone, settle down, I’m going to try to make this a quick staff meeting.  So, I know you’ve all been asking me what’s going on with our Black Friday hours.  A lot of you wanted to plan for the holiday, as well as know what time off you’re going to be able to take this year.

Okay, so, look.  Here’s the deal, guys.  I’m sure I don’t have to explain that it’s a bad economy out there.  We haven’t had a year where we can just afford to close up shop—not when the customers want us to be open.  You know how it goes, everyone—one place decides they’re going to open up early to get the first crowd in, and then everyone else has to do it, and all of a sudden management decides it would basically be losing money to keep the place closed on Thursday.

We’re all professionals here, alright? And as professionals, we all understand that the customers come first.  And if the customers want to get a head start on Black Friday deals, we’re obligated to provide them.  So, that in mind, Pleasant Meadows Pet Crematorium will be opening on Thanksgiving Day.

Now, I know this is upsetting for some of you.  But these are the times we’re working in, and if there is shopper demand for Thursday sales, then we have to join the other stores in meeting those needs.  Jeez, you can’t swing a dead cat these days without hitting a store saying they’re opening early for Black Friday and any hour that dead cat can’t fly into one of our ovens is money lost.

Now, we don’t want to force anyone to have to work on Thanksgiving.  But if we have to, we have to.  We’re starting with our seasonal workers and then—yes.  Yes, Amy, I mean you.  Well I thought “seasonal worker” sounded better than “community service” but I guess we’re not going for tact at this meeting.  Anyway, hopefully after that, we’ll be able to start with volunteers and that’ll be enough.  I mean… look, we’ve got lots of potential here.  I mean we work at a pet crematorium.  A staggering percentage of us don’t have families.  Travis, both your parents are in prison, right?  Lou—it’s time and a half buddy; I know you need the child support payment money.  And Ken—come on, Ken, we all know how much you just love setting dogs on fire.

Because this is Black Friday and customers are crazy about once a year discounts on our most popular “Burn and Urn” packages, we are expecting a line to form before opening.  So here are the rules we’re setting up to make this a smooth process and reduce the chance of any incidents: the line starts no earlier than noon.  Customers are allowed to have friends step in to hold their place in line.  Customers are NOT allowed to have their dead pets hold their place in line.  Please be on the lookout for customers who have stood their dead pets upright to make them appear alive while they head over to the Target.

Finally, and I am going to be honest with you guys, I’m sort of disappointed I am even having to go over this—the company is of course very sympathetic to how business needs upset your Thanksgiving plans.  We are aware that many employees have suggested bringing in food or treats to have a little bit of Thanksgiving cheer during their break.  This is totally acceptable.  However, and this is direct from management: “All employees are to be aware that the crematory ovens may not be used for cooking turkeys. Remember when Ken put a hamster in the microwave in the break room?  That wasn’t exactly a flavor sensation, was it?  Please be considerate to our customers, who would prefer not to receive a delicious, smoked vessel of what used to be their Cocker Spaniel.

If anyone has any questions or personal issues about this, you can talk to me privately after the meeting. But once again, please keep in mind that we’re doing this to protect your jobs, guys.  Year after year we lose ground in our competition with the “just bury it in the backyard” market.  You guys are my guys, and I’m trying to look out for you. So let’s put on our game faces, get into the holiday spirit, and cremate the hell out of some dead housepets.

Oh, and I’m gonna need someone to take point on making sure Ken doesn’t try to kill himself by climbing into one of the ovens.  AGAIN.  Alright, meeting adjourned.