Alright, everyone, settle down, I’m going to try to make this a quick staff meeting. So, I know you’ve all been asking me what’s going on with our Black Friday hours. A lot of you wanted to plan for the holiday, as well as know what time off you’re going to be able to take this year.
Okay, so, look. Here’s the deal, guys. I’m sure I don’t have to explain that it’s a bad economy out there. We haven’t had a year where we can just afford to close up shop—not when the customers want us to be open. You know how it goes, everyone—one place decides they’re going to open up early to get the first crowd in, and then everyone else has to do it, and all of a sudden management decides it would basically be losing money to keep the place closed on Thursday.
We’re all professionals here, alright? And as professionals, we all understand that the customers come first. And if the customers want to get a head start on Black Friday deals, we’re obligated to provide them. So, that in mind, Pleasant Meadows Pet Crematorium will be opening on Thanksgiving Day.
The comedian was one the most influential people in my life. He raped several people.
For the last several years of my life, I have mentally prepared myself for the death of Bill Cosby. I am a person who usually rejects dead celebrity worship, but this would be one of the rare exceptions for me. In the last ten years I have moved to multiple apartments in multiple states, packing all my belongings: computer, books, art supplies, mental bullet points on how to reflect on the death of Bill Cosby should the moment inevitably come while I’m at work one afternoon. I have lived in Atlanta for six years now and only last year remembered to buy a fire extinguisher; it was before the Atlanta move that I started thinking how I’d talk about Bill Cosby dying.
What I’m writing here is a combination of things I’ve had to think about or the last few days, and things I’ve thought about for nearly a decade. And ultimately it’s about how the former was hindered by the latter. This is, for all intents and purposes, the memorial I knew I was going to have to write about a person who is no longer in my world anymore.
Good evening, America, on this pivotal Election Night. It is 9:00 PM on the East Coast, 6:00 on the West Coast. Polls have closed in New York, Wisconsin, Minnesota, and Louisiana. A giant spider has attached itself to the front of my head.