My god, I just… ladies and gentlemen, looking over this carnage is just amazing. In all my years as a reporter, I wouldn’t have believed it if I didn’t see it for myself. It’s been roughly two, three hours since the monster’s last appearance and this country, and perhaps the world, is still reeling from it. The way I’ve heard it, it’s like something out of an children’s science fiction book—this enormous monster, rampaging through a city, leaving nothing but destruction in its wake.
This reporter has not seen the monster himself. And yet, reading reports from Twitter, and Facebook, and other social media, it’s all the same. Viewers across the world are sharing their own witness accounts of this.
Our proud nation is standing strong. This incredible invader to American shores has not yet conquered us, but vigilant we remain. Still, questions abound. Where did it come from? What does it want? Why has it done what it did? None of these questions we have answers for yet, America. We only know this creature has a name: John Oliver.
How are you guys? I’m doing great! You know, this is the best I’ve felt in a long time, and it’s all thanks to the newest and greatest mobile app sensation that’s taking the world by storm: Pokemon Go!
Look, this game is really freaking addictive, all right? Have you not checked out Pokemon Go yet? It’s really cool. So you walk around and look at stuff through your phone, and then your phone puts little monster things everywhere, and then you catch them with your phone, but it’s not like, in the game… you actually have to go in real like where all the Pokemon are. So, there can be a Caterpie on that table right there, and now I’m gonna catch it with this virtual ball thing and—no, look, I’m not looking at you, I’m looking at the fake caterpillar in front of you. Don’t make this weird.
So before I say something about Hillary Clinton, I need to say something about Ghostbusters. Bear with me, here.
Okay, great, look, I’m glad I was finally able to reach someone and—yes, I’m fine. How are you? Hello?
Oh damn it; this is still one of those automated response robots isn’t it? For crap’s sake, I just need to talk to an actual—
Oh. Oh god. You are. I’m so sorry about that. Are… are you okay?
You just work at Ticketmaster.
Wow. Okay, so it’s been a bad week for you too, I guess?
Well, look, I mean I DID call to complain but I, you know, I know it’s not YOUR fault here, I just wanted to figure out what’s going on with that lawsuit settlement—you know, the free tickets thing? Well, the news was saying that as part of the class-action suit Ticketmaster is supposed to give me free tickets to shows and—oh, no, that’s just it. I got them. You guys gave me a bunch of free tickets. That’s… that’s actually why I called.
Well, well, looks like it happened. It finally happened. A good old-fashioned zombie apocalypse. And you all laughed at me. All of you, didn’t ya? Y’all thought ol’ Jimmy was a crazy old coot prepping his doomsday contingencies. Well look who’s laughing now! It’s me!
Oh, I’d love to be laughing right back at you. Chuckling with glee as I watch you suffer from the hordes of flesh-craving nightmares come a-livin’ but now ain’t the time for being smug, is it? No, we got to rally together to protect humanity! But you city folk are all lucky. Lucky you got ol’ Jimmy with ya. Cause I’ve been planning. I’ve been working and studying and getting this here city ready for the zombies. And now they’re here, we gonna hole ourselves up real good against ’em. See, I’ve brought you here because this is where we can survive. This is the single safest spot in the entire city of Atlanta. The rest of the city is gonna die out there. Hell, maybe the rest of the country. Maybe the world. But I knew we could come here for protection. We’ll have everything we need. Resources. Sustenance. And an impenetrable defense infrastructure. Them walkers may have taken the outside, but humanity is going to survive. We will hold out. We will make our stand. Right now, right here, at Ponce City Market.
Hello? Yes, okay, hi. I’d like to talk to the Government, please. Yeah, sure I’ll hold.
Hi. Is this The Government?
Okay! Awesome. Yeah I’ve been trying to reach you guys. I was watching the news and I heard that you might be able to help me. What’s that? No, you were just in the phone book. I know, right? Yeah, first number I called. Guess I’m lucky.
Anyway, I need to report some possible terrorism. Yes. Uh-huh. Yes. Well, I’m not sure, entirely. That’s why I said “possible.” Of course, I have tons of evidence, but the problem it it’s all in my phone. Yes, that’s right. Well, I saw on the news that you guys are trying to like, get into a guy’s iPhone because you thought a terrorist has some stuff in there? So it’s like that. Yes. I think there might be some terrorism in my iPhone.
It may interest you that I am responsible for one of the most expensive home property listings in history. Nestled in five acres outside Los Angeles, the property features 29 rooms and a four-bedroom guest house, with direct golf and private road access.
You may of heard of this place. A little building called The Playboy Mansion. But if you read this in the news, you may have heard of the small, let’s say special arrangement, with the current owner, one Mr. Hugh Hefner. Included in this palace’s asking price of $200 million is a single requirement: Mr. Hefner must be allowed to continue living on the property throughout the rest of his natural life. AndCOUGHCOUGH.
Oh, nothing. I said mumblemumble.
Okay, fine. I said “and after.” Hef never leaves, okay? Look, you don’t want to move Hefner from the Playboy Mansion. The aura that amplifies both financial success and enhanced sexual prowess surrounding the mansion, and, respectively, yourself, would you become the new owner of said property, necessitates the physical vessel of Mr. Hefner to remain within one hundred feet of the circular blood rune in the basement below the Grotto–which, I should add, is not to be painted over by contractors.
Look, the place has its own zoo, and you wanna finagle on why you might have to leave a dead pornographer’s skull under the hot tub? Okay, okay, it’s like this: Did you ever wonder why a single dude can get millions of dollars and have women porking him through his 90’s anyway? That guy had to have made a deal with the Devil, right? Well, let me put it this way YES. That is exactly what he did, the devil is real and Hugh Hefner literally made a deal with him.
Ladies and gentlemen of the Atlanta Arts Council, I have come to you tonight to talk to you about an insult to the world of theatre.
As you may be aware, in two weeks time the Kennesaw Repertory Theatre intends to create a controversy with their staging of Shakespeare’s Hamlet at the Atlanta Performing Arts Center. The director of this so called “adaptation,” one George Olbermann, has refused numerous attempts on behalf of myself and other members of the Atlanta theatre community to provide insight as to the proper staging of this great work, in a means befitting both what is arguably the Bard’s greatest work as well as the artistic sensibilities of this community.
Rest assured I take this situation very seriously. There is no greater wound upon this wonderful artistic community than the grim specter of censorship, and our protest of Mr. Olbermann’s presentation could rashly be interpreted as such. But given the audacity of this, forgive me, what I can only call obscenity, flung in the face of the Atlanta theater community, it is impossible to be silent.
My friends, I present to you the description the Atlanta Performing Arts Center has provided for this travesty. And I quote: “Renowned Theater Historian George Olbermann lovingly recreates the legendary setting of the royal palace in Elsinore, Denmark in the late 14th century, as Shakespeare’s classic tragedy of revenge and desire is masterfully staged in a way that will leave audiences feeling as if it were performed in Shakespeare’s own time. 6:00 and 9:00 performances as well as selected special dates,” etcetera, etcetera.
I gather by your stunned silence that you are as shocked about this as I am. “As if it were performed in Shakespeare’s own time.” In a time like this, a community like this, to perform Shakespeare with no gimmicks or historical anachronisms? As Shakespeare himself intended? Why not just rip the food from the mouths of Atlanta’s performing community? Continue reading
Hello? Who is this?
Is someone there? It’s four in the morning!
What? Look you have the wrong number. Are you try to reach-
Okay, is this a prank call? Is that your real voice? It’s so deep and echo-y. Look, if this is someone from the office, can you knock it off and let me get back to-
Okay, wait, I know this voice from somewhere. It’s too distinctive. I’ve heard it before. Where have I-
Is… is this Olmec? From Legends of the Hidden Temple?
Oh hi. I didn’t notice you there. I was just distracted by a complete stranger having the wrong opinions on the internet.
You know, as a straight, white, financially stable Christian male, arguing online can encompass a significant portion of my day. And if you’re anything like me, let me tell you—congratulations on being a white dude. Turns out it’s awesome. But also if you’re like me, you’ve wondered to yourself “my god, how can I keep up with internet trends? There are so many people I have to pointlessly troll in defense of all my rights I think they, personally, are trying to take away. There’s got to be a better way!”
Well, I’m happy (and by that I mean as happy as a person culturally and societally dispositioned to be in a constant state of outrage can be) to say there now is.